Sleeve Notes
Bottom Line - We all have biases at one time or another.
What about unconscious bias though?
These are the learned attitudes & stereotypes which exist in our subconscious and can involuntarily affect the way we think and act.
Side One - The scenario
Let's take two people...
One of them is me and the other we will call T.J.
T.J. says something to me about my sexuality, which I could take offence or be upset by with the words he used. It's clearly unintentional and not meant to cause harm, in this instance. It could be that T.J. has learnt this from others, rather than forming his own, factual thoughts.
Who is responsible for changing T.J.'s approach?
Answer - We both are, for different reasons.
Side Two - The opportunity
Here is a chance for me to explain rationally and calmly, without piling guilt or blame on T.J. as to why this feels inappropriate for me.
T.J. should be given a right of reply, including understanding from him of where this came from.
If this is a genuine, well intentioned conversation then we should both walk away feeling informed, enlightened and with an improved understanding of one another.
Side Three - The way forward
T.J. & I could use this opportunity to raise our own awareness in a way that...
Educates without preaching.
Informs without over complicating the issue.
Provides a platform for open, non judgemental conversation.
Encourages future dialogue.
It's worth noting from my experience, these opportunities don't present themselves that often, so when they do, I look upon it as a moment to have a positive experience, for both of us.
Side Four - The Questions (This is a coaching blog after all!)
Going from unconscious to conscious
Open questions are a good way of continuing the dialogue, even if you believe you have resolved the initial situation.
Here are some questions T.J. might want to know, but has been reticent to ask me before, for one reason or another.
I have answered them as I would if this was a real conversation and therefore these are my personal experiences and opinions.
N.B. Other experiences, thoughts & opinions are available!
What 'role' do you play in your relationship?
Just like many heterosexual relationships, the lines are blurred. As a couple we have taken 'roles' that complement and provide support for one another.
If you are talking about something more intimate then, as I would expect you would say to me if I asked you, that's private!
What gay stereotypes do you dislike?
Well, I dislike the word stereotype. There is no such thing in reality, only what we have created for ourselves. I think it's a comfort/reassurance blanket for some to think of the word 'stereotype' as 'familiar'.
For example, when I was dating (a long time ago!) I used to get somewhat annoyed with men looking for 'Straight acting men' to go on a date with.
I'm not saying it sits well with me now, but I have more understanding for the reasons and behaviours around this statement. It tells me a lot about the person in any case.
Most straight women seem to enjoy the company of gay men, why is that?
Well we have something in common...do I need to expand?!
My experience is each will trust one another quicker because there is typically no agenda and we both cut to the chase on the stuff we are unlikely to share with others.
I think historically there is a real solidarity between gay men and women as both have had to work hard for their place in a society that has excluded them in different ways.
Why do you need a gay community?
There was a time when I was younger when it was helpful to be part of a community that represented me and could help me find my feet.
Imagine you are a young lad from a small village who thinks he might be gay, but can't see or doesn't know anyone that is like him in his community.
Social Media can play a positive part in connecting people, like this lad.
There is easier access to communities and groups now online and Gay Switchboard is one of a number of safe and friendly places to start a conversation and find out what's out there.
Also, I think 'communities', whatever this means for the individual, provide safety for people.
Take a minute to observe people going for a walk along the street, typically if there is opportunity, you will see men walking together and women walking together. This is also true for school children, so our perceived 'safe communities' begin at an early age.
You could call this a natural thing to do, though I wonder if we all spent time mixing more in the first place, we wouldn't spend so much time creating fictional biases or saying things like 'I don't understand you?'.
Why do you need to have 'Pride'?
Because unfortunately prejudice still and undoubtedly in my lifetime will always exist.
I understand for some this can be an 'in your face' statement of intent, but while there are still more than 70 countries who will put you in jail, stone you or sentence you to death for being gay, it's needed.
If you look deeper, you will see that Pride is much more than just feather boas and sequins.
Why is it so difficult for gay and straight men to be friends?
I would like to say it's not and it really shouldn't matter. Some of my best conversations have been with men (sexuality irrelevant!)
I think it takes a certain amount of confidence and contentment with one's own sexuality for this to be an easeful conversation and interaction.
The sort of thoughts that get in the way for one or both parties might be...
Has the other person got an agenda?
They will think I'm hitting on them.
What could we possibly have in common?
I will be rejected/ridiculed.
I can't introduce them to my mates, what will they think?
What struggles do you face as a gay man that straight men
don't necessarily think about?
Apart from, where I can't/won't go on holiday (see the question on Pride).
I would imagine, similar ones that you might have faced or be facing.
Going through stuff has been hard at times, but I wouldn't change it.
Here's a few from the vaults - Anxiety, low self esteem, rejection, prejudice, fear of being different, overthinking.
I'm not saying they have all gone away, but I have methods to control them and change my thinking, which in turn helps me maintain a happy and fulfilling life.
That's just a few examples, but what about me?
I would like to ask T.J. the following.
For anyone reading this, perhaps you can be T.J. and fill in the answers that are relevant to you.
They may come in useful in the future.
What did you think about gay people before we had this conversation?
(No judgement from me!)
What's different now?
What 'role' do you play in your relationship?
How do you find the 'role' you've assumed?
Why can it be so difficult for straight & gay men to be friends?
What struggles do you face as a straight man that gay men don't necessarily think about?
How would you feel about having a gay mate as your 'wing man'?
What would you say to me if I was sitting having a coffee with you now?
The Download
It's good to talk, and keep talking.
We are unlikely to get on with everyone, but a little understanding, empathy and acceptance goes a long way in creating, at the very least, a civil relationship.
It's not healthy to hang on to biases that create unnecessary strain on us and others involved, especially if those biases are grounded in stereotypes, fiction and learned attitudes.
Consider one thing you could do to bring a person into your 'community' who wouldn't consciously or unconsciously be there at the moment?
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