The Calm Coach - A new month, a new thought...It must be assertive April!

What on earth is going on?

When the world appears to be offering either constant aggression or complete passiveness, it seems to be a good time to talk about being assertive.

Why is being assertive important to us all?

(Think about this in your personal context and/or indeed the world around you.)

It supports our physical and mental health, because…

• we clearly communicate our wishes/wants/needs.

  
  

• we clearly communicate our boundaries.

  
  

• we clearly communicate what is important to us and why it will make a positive difference to ourselves and others around us.

  
  

• it shows we are confident in our beliefs and values.

  
  

• we feel less anxious and stressed when we communicate with positive purpose and intent.

  
  

• we don’t come across rude.

  
  

• we don’t come across as bullies.

  
  

• we don’t lash out.

  
  

• we don’t make unreasonable demands on others.

  
  

• we are respected for our emotional intelligence and self awareness.

  
  

• we remain calm…keeping unhelpful emotions at bay. 

How can you be more assertive?

Before you do anything…take a personal assertiveness test.

What triggers your unhelpful emotions?

Are you…

• burying your head in the sand?

• coming out fighting?

• giving in because you can’t be bothered?

• needing to win at all costs?

• avoiding resolution because you see it as conflict?

• mistaking aggressive tactics for assertive behaviour?

Talk to others you trust who will give you an honest and constructive opinion on how they view your communication style.

You may not be fully aware how you are coming across.

Getting the balance right

Some first steps if you are leaning towards aggression.

Stop interrupting and listen. If you are concerned you will miss saying something then seek permission to stop and reflect on the conversation you’ve just had, before moving on.

This will help you to avoid knee jerk reactions.

Respect others boundaries. Just because you want to go there, doesn't mean they do (at the moment). Build a relationship of trust and support which will help you both to widen the boundaries at a later date.

Just be calm. If you’re not, it’s highly unlikely (unless you are a complete narcissist!) you and others will feel great about the outcome.

Look at conflict from a different perspective. It doesn’t need to be an angry hostile environment. If you go in with positive intention and the will to see it as resolution, a way of moving forward and an opportunity to provide and implement solutions, you are more likely to succeed.

Be willing to compromise. After all, you maybe asking someone else to give something up, so be prepared to do the same.

Show genuine respect for others opinions. Think about saying “Yes and…”, rather than “Yes but…”

Look for what you can collaborate on, even if you are coming at it from different angles.

Check your body language. What are your gestures and movements saying to the recipient?

Avoid statements like 'You did this'. Just because that is what you believe you have seen, doesn't necessarily mean it was their intention or motivation and you are into an aggressive stance straight away.

Focus on what is real for you, i.e. The Facts!. Start with the impact actions and situations have had on you, how they made you feel and what you would like to be different.

If you're 'in it to win it', then you are likely to show aggression. You're not opponents in a boxing ring!

What is all this aggression doing to your heart and mind and how is is affecting the people who are important to you?

Some first steps if you are leaning towards passive.

Practise standing and speaking up for what you want with a trusted friend or colleague.

Reflect on what your personal boundaries are and why they are important to you. By laying the ‘Why’ out for yourself, you are much more likely to be succinct with others when your boundaries are challenged.

Replace the word conflict with resolution or solution. Time and time again, I hear people who say they don’t like conflict.

This begs the question, how do you know it’s going to be conflicting?

Have you made up your mind it is because it’s easier for you to use this narrative?

Meanwhile what could have been communicated and resolved before it got out of hand has now been left to fester.

Well then, I assume you are happy with the old adage...

'If you always do what you’ve always done,

you always get what you’ve always gotten'

Check your body language. What is your non-verbal communication saying to your recipient?

Take the initiative, especially If it’s important and/or affecting you and others around you who you care about, surely it’s worth sharing if it would make a significant difference to you?

Prioritise your own feelings and needs. You are not a door mat to be wiped on, but this is how others might see you, even if they don't say it to your face!

Compose what you want to say first and focus on positive resolution while you are doing this. Even if you don't get exactly what you want, you will have done everything to make it better and mitigated any potential conflict.

Stick with the facts and any impacts on you.

In other words... "When this happens, the impact on me is..." or "When you said that, I felt..." rather than staying silent, ignoring the situation or evading issues and specifically pretending everything is fine when it's not.

What will you do next?

Hey, I'm a Coach, I am not here to tell you what to do!

It's your choice.

What I can offer you is that in my personal experience...

Spending a small amount of time reflecting on how/when you want to resolve/offer an alternative to the situation, be clear about what is important to you and approach others early on and with positive intent, genuine motivations and a desire to reach an agreed solution, you are much more likely to have a happy and healthy life.