Sleeve notes
Did you think I was talking about sex?
There is more to intimacy than what is between the sheets, an intimate conversation, for example.
It's said that men typically don't talk to one another about personal stuff. Do we really know that to be true?
I could now list loads of reasons why men historically don't talk to each other, but you can read that somewhere else.
I was one of those men who found it hard to talk to other men about my feelings. My 'limiting beliefs' didn't help the situation. More on that in my 'Download" section
Here are some thoughts about how us guys can talk to one another, from my experience.
Coming from the perspective of 'Positive Belief' is a good place to start.
For example, see the benefits for both of you when starting up a conversation.
Side 1 - Getting going
Start from a position of respect and kindness.
Make the effort, especially if it's a potential new relationship.
Build trust & common ground through genuine interest & curiosity. (This first part may take some time, so patience is a key quality to have.)
Hold back on diving into difficult questions & conversations, until you both feel more comfortable.
Find out what/who is important in their world (family/hobbies/work etc).
Learn from what you hear & see. How can you be helpful without being intrusive?
Think about how you can build on this conversation next time.
Side 2 - Getting in the way?
I don't want to feel insecure.
I don't want to feel threatened.
I need to be in control.
He's gay, I don't want him to think I fancy him.
He's straight, I don't want him to think I fancy him.
I don't want to be judged.
I don't want to look weak.
I don't want to feel vulnerable.
I'm in a 'caring' role, I know all I need to know.
I'm self reliant. Others depend on me too.
It will get better/go away.
I'll deal with it myself.
Side 3 - Getting more
What would you recommend...?
What would you like to talk about?
What do you wish people asked you more often?
What are you up to this week/end?
What do you enjoy doing?
How did you become interested in...?
What are you working on at the moment?
What would you say to me if I said...?
What would you be doing if you weren't doing this?
How's the day been so far?
How are you finding this environment?
I could give you an example, if helpful?
What are your future plans? (Personally & professionally)
How do people you like describe you?
What qualities do you value most in others?
What/who makes you laugh?
What is one thing you've changed your mind over since you were younger?
How did you meet your partner? (If they have one of course).
When was the last time you were out of your comfort zone?
Side 4 - Get what you give
You support each other.
You learn from each other.
You see different versions of positive masculinity.
You're happy to be more open.
You see being open as a strength.
You have better relationships with other people.
You feel good. (Happier/healthier)
As the intimacy grows between you there is... Trust, depth, honesty, strength, wider perspective thinking, 'a wingman' , care, integrity, grace and of course connection.
The Download
I had some stuff getting in my way of having decent personal conversations with men, primarily around being judged. Once I understood where that came from (and I actually worked it out for myself) a weight was lifted.
I had allowed one bad experience from my teenage years to dictate how I interacted with men going forward, rather than see this as an isolated case from a narrow minded relative and not indicative of interactions with men.
I've had some great, uplifting personal conversations with women over the years. When I was finally able to let go of my insecurities and embrace intimacy with men, I have benefitted from some great conversations with them. I wish I had done it sooner!
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