Sleeve Notes
Picture this, two mature people, likely a couple are having something to eat in a cafe. Neither one of them talks to each other, except to say/ask what they want to eat. The rest of the meal is spent in silence.
Another 'couple', somewhat younger are doing the same thing, except they are on their phones.
Silence is a powerful tool to help us listen.
Technology helps to improve our skills, knowledge and keep us in touch with the world.
Should it be at the expense of communicating well with one another though?
Side 1 - The Sound of Silence - How did you get here?
Here are some scenarios you may recognise in yourself and/or others...
Talking someone into submission -
Potential result - The other person can't get a word in, so they eventually give up listening and stop talking altogether.
Pretending to be interested, verbally and/or non-verbally in body language -
Potential result - Recipient can feel embarrassed, angry or worthless and look elsewhere for listeners. The silence of the 'couple' becomes deafening!
Demanding the other person show their feelings -
Potential result - Demands of this sort are likely to shut the other person down, especially if it feels like an obligation rather than a natural part of sharing.
Keeping secrets that impact both of you -
Potential result - 'I don't want to talk about it'. 'It's me not you'. 'Let's talk about something else'
Resentment, bitterness, anger, mistrust, emotive responses....Silence!
Not telling each other how a life changing event has affected each of you -
Potential result - Feeling alone, misunderstanding of one another's motivations, avoidance, looking elsewhere for the comfort you want from your partner.
Side 2 - Reflections - of the way life used to be
Firstly consider what you might be saying or doing that is leading to the silence, then...
Could some of these questions be useful for you both to consider?
What drew us to each other in the beginning?
What did we like about each other?
How did we get here?
What have we not said to each other in the past that we should have said by now?
Side 3 - Now is the time - to set things right
What do we like about our relationship now?
What could we do differently going forward?
What impact is this silence having on us in our relationship?
What style of communication do we each prefer?
What do we need from each other to show we are listening?
How can we demonstrate we understand (not necessarily agree with) each other's point of view?
What are each of us prepared to compromise?
How will we hold each other to account, without retribution?
How can we use silence in the future to support our communication?
How can we use technology to create useful conversations between us?
What will be saying or doing in the future that will identify it's time to move on together or go our separate ways?
Side 4 - Help - I need somebody
Let me be clear, help could come from a Coach, a Counsellor or a Therapist. See the difference between each, here.
As a coach, here are some of the things I can support you with...
Offer independent, unbiased and non-judgemental conversation.
Create a trusted and honest environment.
Listen to help you uncover what's really going on.
Help you to identify changes you want to make and actions you want to take.
Keep you focused.
Help you to stay motivated.
Challenge your thinking and raise your awareness.
Hold you accountable for the things you say are important.
Ask targeted questions to help you move forward.
Reflect at the beginning of each session before moving forward.
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Relationships both personal and professional can be a very sensitive subject and it's important to identify when reaching out, what is the right kind of support for you.
As a Coach, it is important during our first conversation to identify not only that I am the right coach for you but that coaching aligns to the subject you are bringing to the table.
