Sleeve Notes
Words can be powerful and helpful in Coaching, but they can also be triggers.
We can see and hear people using these words in a way they believe to be helpful, and maybe they are for some.
I'm not talking about the spiteful hate words that permeates social media from time to time on a potentially divisive topic.
These are what you might call 'everyday' words that on the surface seem palatable, but are they really? (I guess that depends on who you are talking to)
Here are a selection of words I'm not super keen on using...what are yours?
My 'Z List Words' (A Coach might call them triggers!)
Tolerate - My first thought is this means 'put up with' in terms of people. It's hardly a ringing endorsement of acceptance. Maybe that's a better word?
Normal - What is normal is different for each person. This could imply that anything outside my normal is abnormal.
I can't lie/I don't want to lie - I hear this a lot now. When speaking with others, it appears to be the new sentence for 'Erm'. If that's the case, then fair enough.
Perhaps it means you're just gathering your thoughts.
For me though, I don't think it's something I'm going to jump on board with. It feels like I'm saying, I could lie if I want to??
Soft Skills - A term used when someone is developing their personal skills such as self awareness, empathy, listening skills, conflict resolution. Implies to me that developing yourself is secondary and less important to other learning, particularly the word 'Soft'.
Perhaps personal development would be better, especially when getting oneself in the right place is essential, before supporting others.
Mate - OK, this is a contentious one maybe, but you will never hear me say this. Actually, I don't mind being called 'Mate' if I actually know the person. It's when it's spread around liberally, for example if it's the first time we have met or there seems to be an agenda behind it.
I will call you by your name, isn't that why we were given one?
Guys - I tend to use 'Hello everyone'. 'Guys feels a bit male centric and non-inclusive. It's also a bite like 'Mate' for me...overused!
Queer - Definitely a generational thing. I'm happy to say it when it's important that people Identify as 'Queer'. It's a tough one for me to use in general conversation, knowing that for most of my life this has been a derogatory term, not a celebratory one.
Expert - I have knowledge, experience & skills but I do shudder a bit if someone introduces me as an 'Expert'. Thankfully in coaching, my clients are the experts. They know what is important to them, what motivates them, what inspires them etc. Sometimes though they just need a coach like me to support & uncover these with insightful questions, active listening, challenge and empathy to help with their goals and aspirations.
The Download
This is my personal journey with words and I'd like to stress that these are words I don't like using myself.
If you are reading this and saying I better not say those things to Ian, it's OK, I won't be outraged by them, but I may challenge you with some of them, depending on the scenario.
For example - 'Tolerate' might get...'What are you putting up with?' if it's in a particular context.
The serious point here with words is, if people make a genuine mistake with their language, educate them in a kind and generous way. Have a balanced respectful conversation about it.
Neither party should feel guilty or awkward when they walk away, but they should feel informed.
They can either choose to accept it or not, but at least you've had the important conversation.
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